proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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