I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
