im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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