You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
