I am full of burrito and curiosity
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
