hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
