Who wears a wallet chain?!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
