If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
