never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
