I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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