He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
