Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
