Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
