I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
