a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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