I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Houston, we have a blender
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
