Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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