Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
