I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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