Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
