my vag is so smooth its legendary
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i now understand why vodka
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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