maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
