apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
