i just wanna soil my oats bro
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
