Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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