took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
This house was built for laser tag.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Randomize
