I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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