Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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