i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
