dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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