I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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