I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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