How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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