I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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