The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Randomize