I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
