I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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