i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize