i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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