dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
