Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You left your phone here
Wait...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
