I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
