Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
