my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
