please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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