apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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