Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
