I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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