Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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