i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
