he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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