I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
