Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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