when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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