He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
