hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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