I feel great
I just peed on a car
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
