Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
