i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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